DEAR WIFE / SWEETHEART / GIRL FRIEND / PARTNER /
WHOMEVER IT MAY CONCERN
1. Between 11 June and 11 July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspapers so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World of Soccer, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored.
DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor…..none of this will happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six pack in the fridge at all time, nachos, as well as plenty of things to nibble on (excluding your body parts) , and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, it’s only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time scores is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “ONE GAME” only, hence do not use the World Cup as nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.
8. The replays of the goals are very important, I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them. I want to see them again, MANY Times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any child related parties or gatherings that requires my attention because:
a. I will not go,
b. I will not go, and
c. I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the game themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch? Because, the reply will be: “Refer to Rule # 2 of this list”.
12. And Finally, please save you expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because before and after this comes the Champion League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, FA Cup, Euro Cup, etc.
13. Least but not last, if you got stock on the road, had an accident, or whatever, call the Police.
P.S. Please and please do not attempt to seduce me in any way, I will not forgive you if a I missed a goal.
Thank you for your cooperation.